everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
