I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Is it because I queefed?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
