He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
