my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
