while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
