there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Randomize
