I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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