its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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