yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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