Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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