u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
They are going to name an STD after you.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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