Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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