I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize