I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
