Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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