So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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