you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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