Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
