So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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