i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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