Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
