the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
