Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
