I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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