I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
