i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
