I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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