All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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