I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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