I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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