uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
