2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
It's official drugs can't kill me
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
