my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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