So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
