I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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