i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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