well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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