just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
