I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
