Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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