Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
