Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
