Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
