at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
bring money and cleavage
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
