i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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