how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
As shirtless as possible
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize