Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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