Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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