just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
