i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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