I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
