Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
