happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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