TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
