why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
