P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
