i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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