Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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