I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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